


Ship (to) Me

by Amationary



Category: Naruto
Genre: Clueless Naruto, Crack Treated Seriously, Innuendo, M/M, Mailman!Au, No but really, its 90 percent innuendos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amationary/pseuds/Amationary
Summary: Sasuke doesn't have a spending problem. He doesn't. It's not his fault the mailman is so hot, but it is just his luck that he's also clueless.Or, in which flirting with Sasuke's mailman goes too far (or not far enough.)
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 26
Kudos: 98
Collections: Extraordinary SNS Fics💕





	Ship (to) Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [agentBees](https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentBees/gifts).



> My friends dared me to make a oneshot with this premise (based on my friend AgentBees' work, go check that out!) so I fully blame them for the result.

Sighing, Sasuke inspects the contents of his fridge for the third time, willing something to jump out at him to eat for lunch.

He could have the leftover udon from last night, but he’s saving that for dinner. He could whip up a sandwich, but he has nothing to put in it. Is a plain butter sandwich too sad for a grown man to eat? Then again, it’s not like anyone will know, and what use is being an adult if you can’t eat whatever you want?

Just as he’s decided that yes, he’s going to stick the middle finger up at the lunch gods, the doorbell rings. Frowning, he idly shuts the fridge and glances at the clock on the microwave. Who the hell is visiting at half past twelve? It could be that book he’d ordered, but Gaara doesn’t stop at his house until the end of his shift…

He swears to god, if it’s Sakura coming over to say she needs to borrow another cup of flour he’s going to flip his shit. No matter how many hints he drops that he’s gay that girl will not give up.

Stepping over Itachi’s food bowl — the damned cat drags it around everywhere in the hopes of getting sympathy food, despite it never having worked a single time — Sasuke heads towards the front door and adjusts his glasses.

Ripping the door open and opening his mouth to say _get lost_ Sasuke stops dead in his tracks once he sees who’s there.

Or more accurately, who’s _not_ there, because it’s not Sakura. It’s a man in a postman uniform, but that can’t be right because—

“You’re not Gaara.”

The blond blinks, then smiles so wide Sasuke can’t help but wonder if his cheeks hurt from the effort. “Nope! Gaara got promoted, so I’m the new mailman for this block! The name’s Naruto, and I’m gonna be the fastest mailman there is, dattebayo!” Then, before Sasuke can blink, Naruto’s shoving a clipboard under his nose and offering him a pen. “Sign here, please!”

Snatching the clipboard and pen, Sasuke grumbles under his breath. “Gaara usually saves my house for last, since it’s the furthest out,” Sasuke says as he scribbles an unintelligible scrawl on the dotted line. Not that it matters. He doubts anyone actually checks the signatures anyway.

“Oh, I did too! I’m about to head back to headquarters now!” Sasuke frowns at that. Gaara doesn't usually reach his house until five o’clock. Just how early did this guy start his day?

Sasuke hands over the clipboard and pen in exchange for his package, and Naruto peers down at it curiously. “Get anything special?”

“Just three hundred crickets,” Sasuke answers flatly.

“Do you own a lizard?” Naruto asks, evidently not picking up on the sarcasm.

“No. I just like the crunch.”

Naruto doesn't bat an eye. “Well, to each their own, I guess. I prefer ramen myself, but maybe I’m just biased. Yanno, with the name and all,” he chuckles. “Right! I’ll leave you to your crickets, have a nice day!”

Sasuke watches him go, dumbfounded, and wonders what the hell just happened.

—

The next week there’s another knock at the door, and Sasuke looks up from his bowl of cereal to check the time.

Half past twelve on the dot.

Shoving the last spoonful in his mouth, Sasuke puts the nearly-empty bowl of milk on the counter for Itachi to polish off and heads to the front door. Opening it, this time when he’s met with blue eyes and a wide grin he’s not surprised in the least.

“Good afternoon, sir! I’ve got another package for you.”

Biting back a sarcastic retort at the statement — what else would the mailman be here for? — Sasuke holds his hand out for the clipboard, which Naruto hands over readily. “My name’s Sasuke, by the way,” he answers as he signs and hands it back. “I’m nowhere near old enough to be called ‘sir.’”

Naruto just answers with that blinding smile of his and hands him the package. “Another load of crickets?”

Sasuke can’t figure out if he’s being funny or not, so he keeps his face and tone neutral. “Nope, this time it’s a panda print banana hammock.”

Naruto whistles. “Going swimming, in this weather? You’re braver than I! I can’t handle the cold at all.”

“Autumn isn’t until next week,” Sasuke defends, only noticing the absurdity after he’d said it. In reality there’s just a shirt he’d impulse bought in the cardboard box, a cute black one with a cartoon hedgehog on it and the line _‘I will quill you’_ underneath. “Why, what’re you doing this weekend?”

“Me? Just a movie night with a couple friends. They insist on marathoning horror movies despite Halloween still being two months away,” Naruto answers, and despite his words he doesn’t look mad at all about the last part. “But I’ve kept you long enough, haven’t I? Have a nice day!”

Naruto waves cheerfully as he departs, and Sasuke finds himself waving back.  
  


* * *

  
The next week Sasuke is opening the door before Naruto can even knock; the clock striking twelve thirty at the same time.

Sasuke shoves the last bit of his lunch in his mouth — a plain piece of toast, since he once again forgot to buy more jam — and mumbles a _hello_ around the mouthful.

“Hello again Sasuke! I have yet another package for you,” Naruto answers cheerily. “I can now say with confidence you’re my most frequent stop.”

Swallowing, Sasuke smiles back sheepishly. “Yeah, I’ve been ordering more stuff than usual recently.” Reaching out a hand, he takes the offered pen and clipboard, now used to the routine.

“Careful, or I’ll start to think you’re just buying things as an excuse to see me,” Naruto laughs, and Sasuke nervously chuckles along, resisting the urge to scratch the back of his neck and duck his head in embarrassment. “How did your swim go?”

Confused, Sasuke nearly asks him what the hell he means before he remembers what he’d said last week and looks up from the form. “Ah, yeah, friends cancelled last minute. Family emergency and all that.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’m sure you would have looked good in your new swimwear!”

Did he just—

No way in hell does he not know what he just did.

Except, peering at his easy grin, Sasuke can’t find even a hint of jest. If Naruto really does know that his words could be taken as flirting he has a better poker face than Kakashi.

And that’s saying something, considering how much money that damned dog has swindled from Sasuke during game night at the office.

In lieu of answering — _what do you even say to that?_ — he scribbles a signature on the dotted line and hands it over. Looking around, Sasuke then realises Naruto doesn't even have his package and sends him a questioning glance.

“Oh! Right. It’s a heavy one this week, so I left it in the van just in case you weren’t home. I’ll be right back!”

At that Naruto turns and begins jogging back to his van. Sasuke watches him go, but then abruptly looks away, a blush rising to his cheeks when he finds himself staring at Naruto’s ass.

It’s a nice ass, okay!?

There’s the noise of the van doors opening and closing, and then Naruto is jogging back over, the muscles of his arms straining slightly at the weight of Sasuke’s package—

_No. Bad brain. Think about anything else._

“Man, your package is so big!” Naruto exclaims, causing a bead of sweat to drip down the back of Sasuke’s neck. _Think of something! Oh god, think of Jiraiya naked—_ “And so long!”

Ears positively burning, Sasuke mumbles a _yeah_ and tries desperately to look anywhere other than Naruto’s damn perfect blue eyes. Surely it’s illegal for them to look so wide and innocent.

Sasuke takes the box from him, and puts it down behind him so he can sign for it.

“What’s it this time? Wait, let me guess, is it a _sword!?_ ”

“A stripper pole,” Sasuke answers without thinking. Oh god, why would he even say tha—

"Oh yeah, I heard they're good for core muscle workouts, yaanno!”

Sasuke’s jaw drops, hand freezing over the dotted line. Is it even possible for a person to be this clueless? Surely not.

Naruto plucks the clipboard from him, grin so blinding it's a wonder satellites can’t see it. “If the last few weeks have been anything to go by, I’ll see you next week, Sasuke!”

As Sasuke watches Naruto walk back to his van, he decides that yes, he’s going to be buying a lot more things online in the coming weeks.  
  


* * *

  
“This is a much smaller one than last week!”  
  
“It’s a mankini.”

“So that beach trip got rescheduled, huh?”

“A gallon of lube.”  
  
“Gotta keep them door hinges squeak free!”

“A dozen dildos.”

“They’re surprisingly good bracelet holders!”

“Fuzzy handcuffs.”

“No need for intruders to get chafed!”

“A bra.”

“Some support is always nice!”

“Assless chaps.”

"It's good to give your skin room to breathe, ya know!”

“A box of a hundred condoms.”

“Oh, are you a sex ed teacher?”

“A manscaping kit.”

“Everyone has to mow the lawn!”

Does… does he think a manscaping kit is a _landscaping kit!?_ Or is he just fucking with him? With those wide blue eyes staring back at him, it’s impossible to tell.

It’s been two months and Sasuke has run out of things he could possibly buy. His bedroom is filled with unopened boxes of t-shirts and mugs, when he wears the same two t-shirts everyday and doesn’t even _use_ mugs. It’s a miracle if he can be bothered to turn the kettle on.

Still, the next week Sasuke greets Naruto at the door, the first time in a while that he’s let Naruto ring the doorbell. He’d half-hoped he wouldn’t come, trying to talk himself out of his next move. But if he doesn’t do it, then this game of _innuendo tag_ will go on forever. His wallet can’t take it.

“Ah, good afternoon Sasuke! Still my best customer, I see.”

Sasuke nervously chuckles, resisting the urge to fidget. How is this the hardest thing he’s done? He told Naruto he’d bought a _bra_ without breaking a sweat.

“Yup, I should get a loyalty card or something.” Taking the clipboard from Naruto, Sasuke takes his sweet time signing, trying to stall the inevitable.

“Is it a scarf? Or mittens? Don’t tell me you bought more crickets, you can’t have run out yet!”

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” Sasuke answers, grabbing the box cutter from his back pocket and offering it to Naruto. He’s amazed he doesn’t drop it from how jittery he feels. Naruto looks confused, eyeing the box cutter with suspicion. “Go on, I won’t tell if you won’t.”

After a second of disbelieving silence, Naruto’s grin returns with full force. “Well, if you’re sure!”

The box is small, so Naruto shifts it to one arm and grips the boxcutter with his other hand. The tape parts easily, and he hands it back to Sasuke so he can rip the lid off.

Once it’s open Naruto’s eyes widen, his mouth turning into an _O._

Inside is two instant ramens and a low-budget horror film with terrible reviews on IMDB called _When Flirting Turns Deadly; A Mailman’s Story._

“I know Halloween isn’t until tomorrow, but do you want to come ‘round for dinner and a movie tonight?” Sasuke asks, nearly stumbling over his words.

Naruto blinks, then looks up in bewilderment.

“I mean, you don’t have to, of course. I just figured—“

“I thought you’d never ask! It was starting to get hard to keep a straight face, yanno!”

Sasuke’s face burns in embarrassment, and he laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments feed the soul


End file.
